WEBVTT

1
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We're just kind of, you know, I think it's better, don't you think?

2
00:00:18.680 --> 00:00:21.520
Contest or jive, I don't know why I always think we should do a contest.

3
00:00:21.580 --> 00:00:22.340
That's jive.

4
00:00:23.060 --> 00:00:24.580
You're Richard Pryor, right?

5
00:00:26.860 --> 00:00:27.660
Disgusting, disgusting.

6
00:00:28.460 --> 00:00:31.300
He's got red jello and pepper or something?

7
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Charcoal.

8
00:00:32.700 --> 00:00:34.540
Charcoal all over his face.

9
00:00:35.580 --> 00:00:40.220
Go up to one of the bars there on Chicago's famous Rush Street and probably get laid looking

10
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like that.

11
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Hi baby.

12
00:00:45.160 --> 00:00:47.840
Good place for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

13
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This is their, they had helmets that looked just like this.

14
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Yeah, you better go to the chair if you don't play insanity.

15
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Is anybody down there?

16
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What?

17
00:01:39.960 --> 00:01:40.460
What?

18
00:01:40.660 --> 00:01:42.000
Is anybody down there?

19
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:46.160
Mr. Gacy, it starts out here.

20
00:01:58.960 --> 00:02:03.460
We married somebody, well we've been marrying people on the air now for a long time, right?

21
00:02:03.660 --> 00:02:04.400
Breakfast clubs.

22
00:02:05.320 --> 00:02:09.860
And right after the last time we did it, another guy here in Chicago had a wedding on the air

23
00:02:09.860 --> 00:02:12.180
and he didn't even marry the people because he's not a minister.

24
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If you were going out for Halloween, what would you do?

25
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Thank you.

26
00:02:24.860 --> 00:02:25.660
Thank you.

27
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Thank you, Reverend Garrett.

28
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Thank you, Reverend Garrett.

29
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Okay, why don't you guys come out here?

30
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You gave Chris, Chris B.

31
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What does the little bun in the oven do?

32
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Summer 24th.

33
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Summer 24th.

34
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Uh oh.

35
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Yeah.

36
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Just say yeah, let's make it casual.

37
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I mean, you are dressed as a ghoul and she is dressed as Dragon Anne, you know?

38
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Yeah.

39
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Yeah.

40
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Will you take Chris to be your wedded wife, to love, to cherish, to continually bestow upon her your heart's deepest devotion?

41
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Yeah.

42
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Because he's drunk and he can't drive himself.

43
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Will you take BJ to be your wedded husband, to love, to cherish, to continually bestow upon him your heart's deepest devotion?

44
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Yeah.

45
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Yeah.

46
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Oh.

47
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Oh, we're all off.

48
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You sniveling idiot.

49
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Please hold hands and repeat after me.

50
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Chris, you don't have to repeat.

51
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You want to repeat?

52
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Yeah, let's get the TV camera here and let's do the whole thing.

53
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In sickness.

54
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And?

55
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And.

56
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In health.

57
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In health.

58
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In sadness and in joy.

59
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In sadness and in joy.

60
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I don't know where all the emotions are.

61
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Where are you too, Mark?

62
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In the party.

63
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Amen.

64
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Amen.

65
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Amen.

66
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67
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I'm going to have three other types of values.

68
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And you know what?

69
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I'm going to get it for baby.

70
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And then, right.

71
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Oh.

72
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I'm going to get this ghost.

73
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Am I superficial?

74
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I'm going to get this one.

75
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I'm going to get it for all.

76
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Here's the guy with this ghost.

77
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Maybe it's not too late.

78
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Who's he getting to?

79
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I'm going to get it for all.

80
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Amen.

81
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Amen.

82
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Amen.

83
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84
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85
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86
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88
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Amen.

89
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Amen.

90
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Amen.

91
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92
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Amen.

93
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94
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Amen.

95
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Amen.

96
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97
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Amen.

98
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99
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100
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101
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102
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Amen.

103
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104
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105
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106
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107
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108
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109
00:05:06.540 --> 00:05:10.040
As a matter of fact, Scott, it's interesting that you bring this up.

110
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Two days ago in LA, I was sitting with the head of Warner Brothers and they were all upset because they had, I think, a million eight.

111
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And they had no idea who to give it to.

112
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They asked me if I knew anybody.

113
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I said, no.

114
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Now that you've let me take your name.

115
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I'll give you some money.

116
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What would you do with the money?

117
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Let's be hard.

118
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I've worked for it.

119
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I grew up there.

120
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Would you?

121
00:05:33.740 --> 00:05:36.120
Would you make a fool out of yourself for it?

122
00:05:38.840 --> 00:05:43.220
And Chicago, it's a very special place.

123
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I not only feel like I live here, I feel like my folks live here.

124
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It makes for sad afternoons wandering around looking for them.

125
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But I'm proud to be in the Windy City and I'm proud to see all those beautiful buildings.

126
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And I, I mean, I love every one of you, literally.

127
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Cute when I say it.

128
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And when I put on my little cute voice and I get away with it.

129
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What?

130
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I'd like to ask you.

131
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Hurry up.

132
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I'd like to ask you, what was really in that joint when you were on the Carson show Wednesday night?

133
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That blow up.

134
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Real.

135
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I'm sorry, I'll be needing to get stuff on you, sir.

136
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I don't know, I can't stay here.

137
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It's like I'm seeing a fish, a dead fish on the floor.

138
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You're a big-ass fish.

139
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It's not good for me.

140
00:07:06.780 --> 00:07:08.240
Oh, there is a dead fish on the floor.

141
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So, see, our anti-disco army is called the Insane Coho Lips.

142
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What?

143
00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:15.900
You hate disco, right?

144
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Right.

145
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Uh-huh.

146
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Primarily because I can't find a white three-piece suit that fits me off the rack.

147
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I'm allergic to gold.

148
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I want a black three-piece suit.

149
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You know what I mean?

150
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It doesn't hang there.

151
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It doesn't look good on you.

152
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We got to scent this fish.

153
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If you don't spend it in your chair, I think it would change your mind.

154
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Actually, it kind of looks like her and acts like her, too, just laying there on the table.

155
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We're repulsed by it, and we're actually fondling it.

156
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That's what amazes me.

157
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I'm going to spend the better part of the day with her.

158
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I can tell all night.

159
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And everywhere we go today, people will say, hey, these guys get girls, okay?

160
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That's right.

161
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These guys had girls.

162
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Very nice.

163
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Only women have gotten the bum rap, don't you?

164
00:08:03.340 --> 00:08:06.700
It's not so much the music that we dislike.

165
00:08:06.860 --> 00:08:09.340
You know, there are these new clubs in LA, these punk attacks.

166
00:08:10.040 --> 00:08:10.660
Punk attacks?

167
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168
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Disco tech for punk music?

169
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Not disco tech.

170
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Punk attacks for punk music.

171
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You go, you get caught.

172
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See, two safety pins with a lift minimum.

173
00:08:25.340 --> 00:08:26.700
Snorting Pina Coladas.

174
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They wear a lot of gold jewelry.

175
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They buy inferior quality cocaine because they don't know the difference.

176
00:08:39.100 --> 00:08:43.260
...for the show, and I think I'm in love with it.

177
00:08:44.440 --> 00:08:46.540
Maybe it's a little too early to do it.

178
00:08:47.280 --> 00:08:48.100
She and I both...

179
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Beautiful woman.

180
00:08:49.020 --> 00:08:51.100
...she and I both look in from both people.

181
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And have premenital sex.

182
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To both people?

183
00:08:57.680 --> 00:08:58.080
Much.

184
00:08:59.880 --> 00:09:01.480
Well, you had to be there, okay?

185
00:09:02.820 --> 00:09:04.320
You people make me sick.

186
00:09:04.680 --> 00:09:05.700
You said something.

187
00:09:05.960 --> 00:09:08.620
This is about things like a laugh, doesn't it, when you're in a hostel?

188
00:09:09.040 --> 00:09:10.360
You can't laugh at everything.

189
00:09:11.080 --> 00:09:12.580
And they didn't have to be there.

190
00:09:13.280 --> 00:09:14.980
No, they have to laugh at everything.

191
00:09:18.420 --> 00:09:19.540
With Ethel Monman.

192
00:09:20.540 --> 00:09:21.460
We're very close.

193
00:09:22.460 --> 00:09:23.360
You're out of place.

194
00:09:23.720 --> 00:09:25.080
I'm singing the disco song.

195
00:09:25.180 --> 00:09:27.860
We have blown up that. We blow up a disco record a day.

196
00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:28.420
You do?

197
00:09:28.560 --> 00:09:28.900
Yeah.

198
00:09:29.440 --> 00:09:33.520
As a matter of fact, we have that record standing by to blow up this morning once again.

199
00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:37.540
No, no, no, no.

200
00:09:39.500 --> 00:09:41.920
No, no, no, no, no.

201
00:09:42.600 --> 00:09:43.540
No, no, no, no.

202
00:09:43.540 --> 00:09:44.140
No, no, no, no.

203
00:09:44.360 --> 00:09:45.820
Ethel, your hair.

204
00:09:47.940 --> 00:09:49.080
Come on.

205
00:09:59.700 --> 00:10:03.640
Don't you love it?

206
00:10:04.020 --> 00:10:04.760
Uh-oh.

207
00:10:04.860 --> 00:10:06.340
The new selective service.

208
00:10:09.300 --> 00:10:10.500
Where's that fixed?

209
00:10:11.840 --> 00:10:14.560
Let us not fix the blame on any one person.

210
00:10:14.560 --> 00:10:19.700
Let's just say that this show is merely the culmination of months of research.

211
00:10:20.080 --> 00:10:23.560
Research into the private lives of the executives here at Channel 5.

212
00:10:27.220 --> 00:10:29.660
It's Steve Dahl, not from Lincoln only.

213
00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:31.520
Sorry, Steve Dahl.

214
00:10:33.040 --> 00:10:34.560
With me, Gary Meyers.

215
00:10:36.540 --> 00:10:39.280
Featuring a special musical appearance by The Who.

216
00:10:39.500 --> 00:10:40.880
What's happening, baby?

217
00:10:41.880 --> 00:10:43.240
My name is Tony.

218
00:10:43.240 --> 00:10:44.900
Care to dance?

219
00:10:46.180 --> 00:10:46.520
What?

220
00:10:47.420 --> 00:10:47.760
No.

221
00:10:48.260 --> 00:10:52.480
Hey, don't you like my white three-piece suit, my gold disco jewelry and all?

222
00:10:53.460 --> 00:10:57.580
I mean, I've seen Saturday Night Fever 87 times.

223
00:10:58.320 --> 00:10:59.660
Get into it, sweetheart.

224
00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:02.440
Listen, I'll tell you what, just relax for a sec.

225
00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:04.540
Who do you think I'm disco?

226
00:11:04.760 --> 00:11:07.120
Because I've spent so much time.

227
00:11:07.500 --> 00:11:09.220
I love drying up my hair and suit.

228
00:11:09.300 --> 00:11:10.140
Do you love it?

229
00:11:10.220 --> 00:11:11.980
But do you think I'm disco?

230
00:11:11.980 --> 00:11:13.860
Because I know the dance steps.

231
00:11:14.680 --> 00:11:16.340
Learned them all at Fred Astaire.

232
00:11:17.500 --> 00:11:19.460
Some people call me scum.

233
00:11:20.540 --> 00:11:23.480
Because I don't have a realistic set of values.

234
00:11:24.060 --> 00:11:24.840
And you know what?

235
00:11:25.380 --> 00:11:28.760
I'm beginning to maybe think they're right.

236
00:11:29.860 --> 00:11:32.280
Listen, I know you're tired of dancing.

237
00:11:32.600 --> 00:11:34.720
Let's skip that and go right to my place.

238
00:11:36.280 --> 00:11:38.020
I have you here. I can't believe we're on TV.

239
00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:40.000
We're going to have some fun. We've got The Who coming up.

240
00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:41.460
And not the lighting studio.

241
00:12:04.380 --> 00:12:06.060
Explicitly with the human experience.

242
00:12:06.420 --> 00:12:09.180
Some may be offended by the explicitness of this question.

243
00:12:09.180 --> 00:12:13.640
But we feel it's a question whose time has come.

244
00:12:14.840 --> 00:12:18.940
Hi. We're Steve Dahl and Gary Meyer from Not for Midgets Only.

245
00:12:19.100 --> 00:12:19.800
We're on the road.

246
00:12:20.100 --> 00:12:20.720
How are you?

247
00:12:20.800 --> 00:12:21.660
Okay, how are you?

248
00:12:21.740 --> 00:12:22.500
Great. What's your name?

249
00:12:22.640 --> 00:12:22.940
Sandy.

250
00:12:23.280 --> 00:12:23.780
Hi, Sandy.

251
00:12:23.940 --> 00:12:26.760
This week we're asking people who work in photo mats

252
00:12:26.760 --> 00:12:27.660
where they go to the bathroom.

253
00:12:27.760 --> 00:12:28.820
You don't have one in here, do you?

254
00:12:29.100 --> 00:12:31.240
No, we don't. We're going to the open dance show today.

255
00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:34.940
Today morning in the dark.

256
00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:39.940
I called you up from Tinnley Park.

257
00:12:42.900 --> 00:12:45.000
Said we were going away.

258
00:12:46.040 --> 00:12:48.280
And though my husband's gay,

259
00:12:48.800 --> 00:12:50.520
I want to know the weather.

260
00:12:51.660 --> 00:12:53.700
And intercourse, yay.

261
00:12:54.620 --> 00:12:57.220
You said it was Wednesday.

262
00:12:59.600 --> 00:13:04.000
Oh, Wally, I just love your TK martini.

263
00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:07.940
Wear some porous clothes.

264
00:13:08.920 --> 00:13:11.200
Be sure to grow your nose.

265
00:13:11.660 --> 00:13:14.040
And go to A's Hardware

266
00:13:14.040 --> 00:13:15.940
to get a garden hose.

267
00:13:19.940 --> 00:13:23.940
I called and you gave me some pantyhose.

268
00:13:25.660 --> 00:13:28.020
With the cotton panel.

269
00:13:28.280 --> 00:13:30.000
Oh, Wally.

270
00:13:31.280 --> 00:13:32.860
For you in Tinnley Park,

271
00:13:32.860 --> 00:13:34.860
I want you so bad,

272
00:13:35.580 --> 00:13:37.080
listening to your voice.

273
00:13:37.500 --> 00:13:39.300
I'd get so darn excited.

274
00:13:39.740 --> 00:13:42.440
I'd make love to you all night, mister.

275
00:13:42.860 --> 00:13:44.860
If I were just invited.

276
00:13:45.700 --> 00:13:47.260
Oh, Wally.

277
00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:52.080
My husband's a homosexual.

278
00:13:53.560 --> 00:13:56.800
But he still listens to you.

279
00:13:56.800 --> 00:13:57.860
Oh, Wally.

280
00:13:59.140 --> 00:14:04.100
Don't worry about my son Bobby.

281
00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:07.940
His father makes him play baseball in the nude.

282
00:14:08.860 --> 00:14:09.700
Oh, Wally.

283
00:14:10.400 --> 00:14:14.000
I called and you gave me some pantyhose.

284
00:14:16.460 --> 00:14:18.000
With the cotton panel.

285
00:14:19.740 --> 00:14:20.640
Oh, Wally.

286
00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:25.340
I want you to dinner for two.

287
00:14:26.340 --> 00:14:28.420
And he sent me a scarf.

288
00:14:29.660 --> 00:14:31.100
Oh, that's okay, Wally.

289
00:14:33.320 --> 00:14:35.720
Oh, I got a little lipstick on your face there.

290
00:14:35.720 --> 00:14:36.540
I'm sorry.

291
00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:38.180
I want you so bad.

292
00:14:38.380 --> 00:14:39.600
You are such a stud.

293
00:14:41.180 --> 00:14:44.360
Did your toupee fall off while you're making love?

294
00:14:44.780 --> 00:14:46.160
Oh, I don't care, Wally.

295
00:14:46.700 --> 00:14:48.020
I just want you.

296
00:14:49.040 --> 00:14:50.260
Oh, Wally.

297
00:14:51.660 --> 00:14:53.180
Oh, Wally.

298
00:14:53.940 --> 00:14:55.820
Kiss me again, you fool.

299
00:14:57.580 --> 00:14:58.520
You're super.

300
00:14:59.340 --> 00:15:01.800
Oh, you're getting goosebumps, aren't you?

301
00:15:04.300 --> 00:15:09.600
Have you made the bed every day and cleaned up after him like a good little girl?

302
00:15:10.140 --> 00:15:11.040
Not all the time.

303
00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:13.040
Sometimes he's a real pig, you know.

304
00:15:13.060 --> 00:15:13.860
Yes, I know.

305
00:15:13.940 --> 00:15:19.020
Yes, he can be a bad little boy and he might not get his presents this year.

306
00:15:19.160 --> 00:15:21.720
I don't think he's going to get any presents this year.

307
00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:22.340
No?

308
00:15:22.900 --> 00:15:29.060
Well, it doesn't sound to me like you've been such a good little girl if you haven't cooked and cleaned like you're supposed to.

309
00:15:29.360 --> 00:15:31.060
Well, I pick up after the dogs.

310
00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:36.200
The dogs do make a lot of mess, especially that young one's spud all over the carpet all the time.

311
00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:36.940
Little treats.

312
00:15:37.300 --> 00:15:39.320
And not reindeer treats either, huh?

313
00:15:40.160 --> 00:15:43.580
Okay, well, I guess that is going to bring you some presents then.

314
00:15:44.040 --> 00:15:44.360
Thank you.