WEBVTT 1 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:24.160 The points of view expressed in this program are those of the author and not necessarily 2 00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:26.780 those of WTTW Channel 11. 3 00:00:26.780 --> 00:00:35.040 It is an attempt to draw serious thought out of laughter. We hope it is accepted as such. Honest we do. 4 00:00:50.360 --> 00:00:55.200 Sure it's dark out there. Can hardly see them moving around after it gets dark, 5 00:00:55.200 --> 00:01:02.600 but then during the day they don't move much. They're sneaky all right. Turn around and there they are. In front of you and back of you all along the side of you. 6 00:01:03.720 --> 00:01:10.140 You know it's that foliage they got and the heat. They're more used to it than we are. And the sneaky Indians. 7 00:01:15.900 --> 00:01:23.340 Nothing. Hey, you know much about politics? Sure, I used to read Life Magazine every week when I was back home. 8 00:01:23.780 --> 00:01:30.660 Why, what do you want to know? Well, how did we get in this mess? Don't you know? No. 9 00:01:31.500 --> 00:01:37.500 It's the comics. See, they train them up in the north. Then they send them down. They begin to take over the little villages. 10 00:01:37.900 --> 00:01:41.860 Soon they begin to take over the whole place. Guess so you can't tell the ones from the north from the 11 00:01:41.860 --> 00:01:45.620 ones from the south. Yeah, I know what you mean. They all look the same to me too. Right, they're using 12 00:01:45.620 --> 00:01:53.320 the women and the kids. Ah, it must be the comics. Why those lousy red rats? I tell you that gas we're 13 00:01:53.320 --> 00:02:01.440 down and moan and throw up and it's too good for them. Drop the bomb on them. That's what I say. Drop the 14 00:02:01.440 --> 00:02:07.180 bomb on them. Burn them. Defoliate them. Round them up and send them back where they came from. 15 00:02:07.420 --> 00:02:11.780 Things were fine before they came down here. Boy, you couldn't be more right. Send them back where 16 00:02:11.780 --> 00:02:17.420 they came from. Let the people decide for themselves. Free elections. That's what I say. You crummy pink 17 00:02:18.060 --> 00:02:31.260 back to the north. We like Mississippi the way it is. 18 00:02:42.200 --> 00:02:52.300 All right, panel, if your blindfolds are in place, no speaking. Will our mystery guests come in and sign in please? 19 00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:05.580 All right, let's open up the questioning with Secretary McNamara. 20 00:03:07.220 --> 00:03:10.620 Are you in show business? Well, you might call it that. 21 00:03:12.440 --> 00:03:19.580 Our mystery guest thinks he's in show business, but really he isn't. I have to give you a big no 22 00:03:19.580 --> 00:03:31.240 on that one, Mr. Secretary. One down and nine to go. Lucy Baines. Are you in show business? I just 23 00:03:31.240 --> 00:03:38.520 thought I was going to say sorry. Are you in movies? That's still show business, Lucy. Oh, I am sorry. 24 00:03:39.320 --> 00:03:40.800 Are you in sports? 25 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:52.000 No. Two down and eight to go. Mr. Dean Rusk. Are you in politics? 26 00:03:57.920 --> 00:04:00.620 Are you an elected official? 27 00:04:03.040 --> 00:04:10.160 Yes. May I also add panel that our guest is not only an elected official, he's also officially elected. 28 00:04:13.300 --> 00:04:18.680 All right, let's continue now with Mr. Dean Rusk. 29 00:04:19.540 --> 00:04:21.740 Do you hold a national office? 30 00:04:23.080 --> 00:04:33.520 Yes. Who in Washington could possibly hold a national office? Good grief, it's daddy. No, no, I'm sorry, Lucy Baines. Good guess, though. 31 00:04:33.660 --> 00:04:40.180 Can I make a stab at it? Sure, take my turn. Mystery man, are you the vice president of the United States? 32 00:04:40.580 --> 00:04:49.880 Oh, yes, I am. How did you ever know? I'll have a panel. You must please keep your blindfolds on. You still have to tell me the vice president's name. 33 00:04:50.600 --> 00:05:02.820 It's still my turn? Yes. Name of the vice president. First and last? Yes, now just the name of the vice president of the United States. 34 00:05:03.540 --> 00:05:05.000 Could we have a conference? 35 00:05:27.540 --> 00:05:30.660 This is our last water show, Captain. We're out of ammo. What are we going to do? 36 00:05:31.520 --> 00:05:36.400 Captain, my captain, rent the mercy of those merciless comms, those godless commie war mongers. 37 00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:45.480 Easy, son. War is hell. Here we're back home. Radio man. Yes, sir. Get me Washington, Brigadier General Nugent. Yes, sir. 38 00:05:48.060 --> 00:05:53.840 Hello, Lucy. Is Pat there? Oh, thank you. He's out back turning a rib so he won't burn. 39 00:05:55.020 --> 00:06:02.080 Oh, General, just a moment, sir. Here you are, Captain Hamilton. Hello, Pat. George here. How's your old man? 40 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:11.260 Great, great. Well, no, things haven't been going too well for me since I stopped seeing her. 41 00:06:11.260 --> 00:06:15.660 I got my notice, packed my bag, and here I am. 42 00:06:17.640 --> 00:06:22.320 Oh, listen, General, I just want to tell you that the jungle's just crawling with Charlies. 43 00:06:23.100 --> 00:06:28.460 Oh, no, sir. Sir, we'll shoot at anything in black silk pajamas that moves. Unfortunately, last week we 44 00:06:28.460 --> 00:06:32.980 shot one of the girls who travels with the Bob Hope show. Oh, no, it was just a flesh wound, sir. 45 00:06:34.020 --> 00:06:39.620 Seriously, General, the Charlies have us surrounded. We're out of ammunition. My men are restless, sir. 46 00:06:40.180 --> 00:06:44.540 You know how it is, sir. You shoot an Oriental and 20 minutes later you want to shoot another one. 47 00:06:47.220 --> 00:06:50.200 Sir, I... Sir, can you send us any reinforcements? 48 00:06:52.980 --> 00:06:57.440 I see. Oh, sir, I just want to say one thing before you go. 49 00:06:57.820 --> 00:07:03.380 That if we ever get out of this jungle inferno that rots men's souls, if we ever get out of here, 50 00:07:03.460 --> 00:07:08.640 sir, I'm recommending you for the Congressional Medal of Honor. What's that? 51 00:07:09.360 --> 00:07:15.280 Oh, I don't know if I can do that, sir. Oh, all right, sir, two medals, one for Lucy. Over and out. 52 00:07:16.500 --> 00:07:21.880 We'll get more ammunition, sir. Well, man, it's like this. I always believe in sharing with my troops. 53 00:07:22.000 --> 00:07:27.360 It's the American way. It's not easy to tell you this, men, but it seems that Washington has spent 54 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:33.180 all the money appropriated for the war. Oh, great. Now, men, calm down. Calm down. There's still hope. 55 00:07:34.300 --> 00:07:38.440 General Nugent thinks he can persuade the President to divert some of the great society funds. 56 00:07:39.360 --> 00:07:43.700 It's like folks back home are just going to have to tighten in that old belt, just a few more 57 00:07:43.700 --> 00:07:49.420 notches. But remember, men, it's a genuine American cowhide belt holding up the sharpest 58 00:07:49.420 --> 00:07:57.160 pair of red, white, and blue trousers you've ever seen. It's only a matter of time now, men. 59 00:07:58.500 --> 00:08:03.500 As the good book says, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox. 60 00:08:05.360 --> 00:08:09.980 You're stopping in front of a harmonica. Nobody's playing a harmonica. I'm sorry, but you know, 61 00:08:09.980 --> 00:08:14.060 this is the part of a kid whose folks ought to fire him back home, takes out the harmonica. 62 00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:21.700 I guess this is it, Captain. We're done for. No, sir, soldier. 63 00:08:23.700 --> 00:08:28.720 Fighting 555th will never be done for, soldier. As long as there's an America, 64 00:08:29.520 --> 00:08:37.840 as long as there's an America with footlong hot dogs, an apple pie, and frozen bananas on a stick, 65 00:08:38.440 --> 00:08:46.740 as long as there's Ebbets Field and the polo grounds, no, sir, soldier. Fighting 555th 66 00:08:46.740 --> 00:08:51.860 will fight the forces that the free world fears until that world remains free, 67 00:08:52.420 --> 00:08:58.100 free from the godless commie tyranny which pits man against man, brother against brother, 68 00:08:58.100 --> 00:09:02.800 free from the godless commie hatred which splits the free world down the middle, 69 00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:10.780 free from the godless commie fluoridation of the water, free from all those godless commie things, 70 00:09:11.140 --> 00:09:19.840 soldier. Then, soldier, there'll always be an America, an America with holding places, 71 00:09:20.460 --> 00:09:27.360 with spanking bright American flags waving outside, and spanking bright American voting 72 00:09:27.360 --> 00:09:34.520 machines inside, and spanking bright Democratic precinct captains to show you how they work. 73 00:09:36.080 --> 00:09:41.260 An America for you and me, soldier. 74 00:09:52.760 --> 00:09:56.360 I'll tell you, Captain, that's what this fight's all about. Give those reds one look at a ballot 75 00:09:56.360 --> 00:10:00.300 box they turn around, run all the way back to Peking. That's right, they wouldn't even 76 00:10:00.300 --> 00:10:05.000 stop at Hanoi to say goodbye. I can see it now, the whole Danang Delta saturated with armed voting 77 00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:16.280 machines. Quiet, I hear someone in the bamboo. Captain, we finally got her, the voice of the V.C. 78 00:10:16.460 --> 00:10:24.400 corrupting our boys with her godless propaganda. Here she is, sir, Ho Chi Minh. Hi, Ho. 79 00:10:26.360 --> 00:10:33.800 All right, Minh, where'd they find you? Most honorable captain, I was teaching in the village. 80 00:10:34.460 --> 00:10:41.400 Sir, two Buddhist monks named Charlie Chu and Tri State Toll became suspicious and turned her in. 81 00:10:41.700 --> 00:10:48.520 What do you teach, man? Most honorable captain, I talked in the kindergarten. I could've guessed, 82 00:10:48.700 --> 00:10:56.300 sir, it's the kindergarten kong who are the most dangerous of all. Those five-year-old kids are 83 00:10:56.300 --> 00:10:59.560 pure Maoist doctrine before you know it that Charlies have another dream. 84 00:10:59.580 --> 00:11:09.340 That's not so. Most honorable captain, if you please, I teach the children to love the world around them. 85 00:11:10.520 --> 00:11:17.460 We go on nature hikes around the outskirts of the village until the heat of the flaming napalm 86 00:11:17.460 --> 00:11:24.120 forces us back inside. That's enough, Minh. I ought to hit you in the head for those remarks. 87 00:11:24.760 --> 00:11:29.000 But weren't for the fact that I'm a gentleman. Yes, sir. You know karate. 88 00:11:31.080 --> 00:11:33.420 Take her away, soldier. Yes, sir. Come. 89 00:11:36.760 --> 00:11:42.180 Hey, what's that? Hey, hey, hey. All right, it was me. 90 00:11:44.680 --> 00:11:49.920 Oh, they're planes, they're giant hawks. With United States Air Force insignia on their wings. 91 00:11:49.920 --> 00:11:55.120 Yeah, and there's American pilots riding on them. Yeah. They're dropping parachutes. Look at this one. 92 00:11:56.420 --> 00:12:03.060 Minh, a great thing has happened today. The great society has joined the war effort. 93 00:12:03.940 --> 00:12:08.140 Finally, the money that has been used to fight poverty, sickness, and disease 94 00:12:08.140 --> 00:12:15.360 will now go to fight the most fiendish of all our enemies. And finally, we have enough 95 00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:22.080 guns and ammunition to fight the Reds with. The free world has been saved. Humankind will not 96 00:12:22.080 --> 00:12:27.820 forget this day. Wait a minute, Captain. These boxes are addressed to West Virginia, Kentucky, 97 00:12:27.920 --> 00:12:32.360 and Tennessee, and places like that. Hey, Captain, that's funny. There's no guns in this one. Just 98 00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:37.240 sticks of butter. Are you sure? No, sir. No, I'm wrong. Just a minute. It's margarine. 99 00:12:38.400 --> 00:12:44.420 This one's full of Joe Louis milk. Yeah, and here's potatoes and spam. And no blow chair. 100 00:12:46.060 --> 00:12:49.380 Rotten commies. They must have gotten to Washington before we did. 101 00:12:51.680 --> 00:12:55.520 Men, we were just going to have to fight the VC with their own methods. 102 00:12:56.480 --> 00:12:59.120 Soldier. Yes, sir. In that box. 103 00:13:03.040 --> 00:13:11.560 Cereal, sir. Dry cereal. 32,000 boxes of Rice Krispies. Good. Bring me your helmet and bring 104 00:13:11.560 --> 00:13:15.400 those boxes of Rice Krispies with you. Yes, sir. I'm pouring it in. 105 00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:24.160 Radio man, bring me some of that Joe Louis milk. Yes, sir. Pour it in. 106 00:13:30.440 --> 00:13:31.720 All right, men. 107 00:13:33.980 --> 00:13:41.100 Take those boxes of Rice Krispies, all the milk we have, even the skimmed and the half and half, 108 00:13:42.500 --> 00:13:44.860 and take your battle station. 109 00:13:59.240 --> 00:14:02.940 Captain, what's wrong? You've such a strange look in your eyes. 110 00:14:03.520 --> 00:14:05.440 Soldier, don't you realize what I've done? 111 00:14:07.080 --> 00:14:12.420 One terse military command in one glib yet authoritative sentence. 112 00:14:15.120 --> 00:14:24.100 I fought the Iwo Jima with John Wayne, the jungles of Corregidor with Randolph Scott, 113 00:14:24.800 --> 00:14:31.380 the North Atlantic with William Bendix, the South Pacific with Ezio Pinza, at Dunkirk with 114 00:14:31.780 --> 00:14:37.840 Garson, and even the fabled halls of Montezuma with Caesar Romero. 115 00:14:39.640 --> 00:14:45.540 I, with one order, have decided the fate of the world. 116 00:14:46.160 --> 00:14:54.120 What, a box of Rice Krispies? If it had to be me, men, thank God I'm an American. 117 00:15:02.940 --> 00:15:08.540 Finally, it's quiet. It's almost deafening, that silence. 118 00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:13.860 Guns have stopped now, never to be fired again. 119 00:15:15.960 --> 00:15:20.840 Who is to know it would end this way? Then who will ever know now? 120 00:15:23.000 --> 00:15:26.000 Close your eyes and sleep, soldier. 121 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:32.620 The war has come to an end. They've poured the milk. 122 00:15:35.660 --> 00:15:46.800 Soldier, boy, son, the world has come to an end. 123 00:15:48.060 --> 00:15:53.780 Not with a bang, but with a snap, crackle, and pop. 124 00:16:12.400 --> 00:16:20.380 The largest and strongest and bravest of birds, a real bird among birds, the great American eagle. 125 00:16:25.380 --> 00:16:31.380 With a wing spread as wide as the world itself, with a flutter of powerful feathers, he encircles 126 00:16:31.380 --> 00:16:37.740 the globe and draws it close to his heart. The great American eagle, protector of the world. 127 00:16:40.180 --> 00:16:43.700 And behind every great man bird, a loving lady bird. 128 00:16:53.760 --> 00:16:58.060 Oh, would that all birds were as loving as the lady bird, but that is not meant to be. 129 00:16:58.440 --> 00:17:03.100 It is not the way of the land. For over the land we see fall a hovering shadow. 130 00:17:03.760 --> 00:17:07.200 Look up in fear, for it is the shadow of the hawk. 131 00:17:17.260 --> 00:17:23.100 A bird of prey, no love in this bird. An eye for an eye, a wing for a wing. 132 00:17:23.700 --> 00:17:26.100 None can rest with this bird aloft. 133 00:17:38.360 --> 00:17:42.500 None, that is, except the great eagle. Not that the eagle is a warring bird. 134 00:17:42.820 --> 00:17:48.560 Oh no, he wants peace. In fact, he wants peace so badly he'll stop at nothing to get it. 135 00:17:58.280 --> 00:18:01.580 But the hawk and eagle are not the only birds in the sky. 136 00:18:04.140 --> 00:18:10.180 There flies the bird of freedom. His untiring wings have beaten endless rhythm in the eternal 137 00:18:10.180 --> 00:18:13.340 symphony of peace and justice, the dove. 138 00:18:16.840 --> 00:18:21.980 There was a time not so long ago when the hawk and dove flew side by side. 139 00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:45.420 What fun they would have. The hawk would open his beak and rattle his talons and puff himself up. 140 00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:50.740 The dove would look on feigning horror, but feeling quite comfortable knowing that the hawk would not 141 00:18:50.740 --> 00:19:01.560 strike. Then something strange happened. A new eagle came to the roost. This eagle has all the 142 00:19:01.560 --> 00:19:08.660 strength, courage. The single difference is that this new eagle is unable to see things quite as 143 00:19:08.660 --> 00:19:17.860 sharply. Perhaps it is because this eagle squints. Indeed, when the eagle squints, you can hardly see 144 00:19:17.860 --> 00:19:26.280 his eyes, especially when he smiles. The questionable condition of the eagle's sight 145 00:19:26.280 --> 00:19:32.920 activates a great change in the attitude of the hawk. 146 00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:55.400 The hawk calls the eagle's condition foresight. The dove calls it no sight. The hawk says nothing 147 00:19:55.400 --> 00:20:06.320 to this and the eagle hears nothing. The hawk tells the eagle, you are wise as an owl and keeps on hawking. 148 00:20:15.020 --> 00:20:20.360 The dove tells the eagle, you are proud as a peacock and keeps on doving. 149 00:20:23.460 --> 00:20:28.700 Finally, the hawk and dove meet beak to beak while the eagle stands as protector of the world. 150 00:20:29.420 --> 00:20:35.620 Why, you're just a clay pigeon, says the hawk to the dove. And you're crazy as a loon, says the dove to the hawk. 151 00:20:36.200 --> 00:20:42.480 And I'm happy as a lark, puts in the ladybird, who all this time has been flitting from flower to flower 152 00:20:42.480 --> 00:20:49.820 to keep the gardens of America beautiful. The hawk in his anger opens his beak, rattles his talons, 153 00:20:49.820 --> 00:20:55.580 puffs himself up and takes off after the dove with escalation and proliferation in his eyes. 154 00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:06.400 Much to the chagrin of the eagle, the hawk in hot pursuit of the dove is sucked into the 155 00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:11.960 exhaust of an American jet fighter plane on a bombing mission. The dove, however, dies much 156 00:21:11.960 --> 00:21:19.800 less spectacularly in being gassed by a low-flying crop duster. The great American eagle, having lost 157 00:21:19.800 --> 00:21:29.940 strength when he lost his hawk, retires quietly to the Texas panhandle and grows old and fat eating crow. 158 00:22:01.560 --> 00:22:08.860 Where else but in America could people freely speak their mind without the fear of retaliation? 159 00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:15.780 It was England. France. Sweden. Tasmania. Italy. Newfoundland. Finland. Mozambique. 160 00:22:20.460 --> 00:22:25.580 Baby, baby, where did our love go? 161 00:22:26.160 --> 00:22:32.120 Don't you wonder, don't you wonder no more. 162 00:22:33.240 --> 00:22:39.700 Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, where did our love go? 163 00:22:40.500 --> 00:22:46.200 And all your promises, baby, all the love I ever moaned. 164 00:22:46.760 --> 00:22:54.080 Baby, baby, ooh, baby, where did our love go? 165 00:22:54.520 --> 00:22:57.700 Ooh, please don't leave me. 166 00:22:58.860 --> 00:23:05.360 All by myself, all I've got is burning, burning.